Suicidal Thought

Last night I played twitter, yeah like.. everynight. I don’t know but it’s my bad habit, stuck into something I can’t get rid of it. In this case, I don’t know if twitter is a bad habit for me or the good one because as far as I’m concerned, I knew one thing or two from twitter. And, yeah because of that I also trying to get away from my responsibility and every obligation I have to do because I spend half day or more in fucking twitter. So I think that’s my bad habit but don’t worry nobody ever dying with a heart attack because playing twitter, right? Except if you see a picture that someone you hate banging your ex in your timeline.

Nah, man I’m kidding. I’m just trying to have fun.

But twitter is good, though. I knew every latest news from my twitter timeline because I’m not kinda person who reads newspaper and drink a cup of coffee in the morning. I’m a kinda guy who watches, reads, searches every damn thing on the internet so yeah, twitter is the good one. Twitter is life. I love twitter.  You can follow my twitter @baywija by the way. Okay, enough.

So last night I opened my twitter. Read some shits, wrote something, bullied each other, kicked someone’s ass, having fun, everything. That’s a good time, I laugh at those tweets, until I saw someone’s argue about suicidal thought. That’s from Alexander Thian (@aMrazing) That’s just.. deeply hits my damn feeling.

Then I don’t know, after those tweets everyone is just writing about suicidal thought with their own experience, have they ever been dragged into something or treatment that make them feel guilty or useless until they almost decide to end their life and gone. I read those tweets, some of my following lists retweeting their suicidal thoughts, their story, their sadness and yeah, those are a damn hell stories. Everyone is just writing their saddest moment on twitter all of the sudden and I’m capable to read those confessions.

I don’t think that I have to explain more about what suicidal thought it is because I do believe you know it, and I think everyone has their suicidal thought at least once in a lifetime, even a little, right? Because you know nobody’s perfect and even the best motivator in the world has the negative mind to feel suck, fucked up and messed up or whatever.

Then I think again, everyone has their suicidal thought, so do I. Have I ever think about ending my life and gone, of course I have. Everyone has. I remember those days when I fell apart and have nothing to live for. So I think it’s okay if I share my own suicidal thought here and write something that brought me down, something that makes me felt uncomfortable to go through life. Even a  little.

It was years ago, when I was teen. It’s about my dad.

He’s a not-very-big-man, I’m taller than him but I don’t have a courage to stand beside him and look at his eyes when he’s angry. Because.. because he is my dad, you jackass. My dad is kinda person who has a tongue like a fucking sword, hurting, and his hands, are abusive. Yes, ‘hand’ with ‘s’, plural. He’d punch me on my head with his right or left hand. That’s just happened everytime I made mistake that unforgivable, he mad at me like he’s furious because he’d punch me easily. My mon isn’t there to defend me, he has her job outside the province so I have nobody to defend me and yeah I just got punch in my head and I have nothing to do.

I used to get punch, for like so many times in that age. I didn’t do anything to defend my right as a son and I didn’t say a word because my heart was full-broken when I got his punch. I have my own reason to stay quiet, what makes me uncapable to say something is because I got physical pain from the man I love, from the man I trust. How could you walk through the life if the only man you choose to trust in your life, the man you grow up with, can possibly punch your head without worrying about the consequences just because he’s mad at you. For me, that physical pain, it hurts of course. But it doesn’t mean anything, though. Because my heart is more fall apart, because he is my dad.

Everytime he punches me, I ran. I was afraid to came back home. I ran with my tears down to find someplace safe, somewhere quiet to cry a lot so nobody can’t hear me. I used to sat on the edge of the river or the bridge, cried over and over again, alone, and planned my suicidal thought. I sometimes have a plan to escape from home and never see him again and then I realized I’m just a high-school student, I have no another home to escape, or a boarding house. Then I just sit there. I think of it. Thinking of my abusive dad, well, he’s not really abusive, though. Because he just punch me but hell no. He’s abusive from my standard of what abusive dad is, so whatever, he punches me and it makes me having a right to call him abusive-harm-soulless kind of dad goddamn it. I sat and cried alone there, and realized that I have nothing to live for. “It would be fine if I die here, nobody cares about me” I said.

But then, I think again. Why would I? Why would I do such a thing, still hurting myself after somebody hurts me. “No, not like this” I said. I look at myself, one day I’d have a son, my own kid. And I  don’t want to be a dad like him. Like my abusive-harm-soulless-monster kind of dad. I’ll have a responsibility to keep my son safe, to keep him away from any suicidal thought because that’s what parenting is. I have to take care of my son and raise him right with my own lovely way to prove my dad wrong. Yeah, with my own lovely way. “Yeah, like that” I said.

That day, I came home. I was a little bit afraid but I can go through it, then I just feel immune to get my dad punch. “It’s okay, I’ll live” I said to myself again and over again. But yea, my dad is a man who has a reason for everything. He wouldn’t do such thing if I’m not making a mistake and ya, I love him. He’s kind of dad I usually share my cigarettes with, vice versa. What a great dad, isn’t he? My dad is like John Winchester, is not his job to be liked, is his job to raised his son right.

So, suicidal thought is a serious problem. It has something to do with parents, so if you had kids you have to treat them right, or they’ll be like me. You want to watch your son became a person like me? Football addict lazy piece of shit? Of course you don’t. So I told you, pals. What you can take about my story is you don’t let yourself to do such thing, you have to treat your kid right. Because if you don’t, I’ll write your name down here as a bad example.

So that’s enough for me today, I really do apologize if you find any grammatical errors because English isn’t my first language so yeah, I’m sorry and thank you for reading. I love you.

Bertemulah!

Hello guys! Yup akhirnya setelah berabad-abad nggak posting, tulisan pertama gue di tahun 2016 terbit juga. Itupun karena ada beberapa mention di twitter yang nanyain “kok udah jarang nge-blog?”. Ironisnya, yang mention gue cowok semua. Tapi nggak papa, seenggaknya masih ada yang ingetin kalo gue punya blog yang harus diurusin demi membentuk pribadi anak muda masa kini agar lebih baik.

Sebelumnya emang beberapa bulan belakangan gue lagi keranjingan nonton film serial, jadi jarang memperhatikan hal sekitar. Yang follow twitter gue pasti tau, tiap ada waktu luang dikit gue abisin buat review serial kayak Supernatural, Breaking Bad, atau Hannibal. Yup, itu tiga serial yang lagi aktif gue marathon-in dari isya’ sampe subuh sampe kadang gue lupa kalo masih punya kehidupan nyata.

But then, here I am. Masih berusaha konsisten nulis di blog biar pembaca nggak kabur ke blogger lain.

Yaelah, emangnya toko kelontong!

So, malem ini kita bahas yang ringan ringan aja ya. Kalo bahas yang berat misal perkembangan investasi ternak bebek di Singapura takutnya malah gue sakit kepala dan nggak bisa nerusin tulisannya. Jadi kita bahas aja yang enteng dan mudah diterima kayak kisah percintaan anak muda masa kini. Mantap.

Dari sepotong twit diatas, gue mau tanya satu hal : kapan terakhir kali kenalan sama cewek secara langsung?

Yang cewek mungkin nggak perlu gue tanyain hal serupa ya, karena sebelum ada socmed pun mereka jarang banget ngajak kenalan cowok karena seperti kita ketahui mau McDelivery aja pengennya ditelfon duluan.

Tapi ini serius, kita sebagian besar pengguna social media udah lama banget sejak terakhir kali make metode kenalan secara langsung ke orang yang kita suka. Ya nggak?

Dulu terakhir kali gue kenalan sama cewek secara langsung tuh pas jaman ospek, tapi tetep aja gue tau dia dari grup facebook mahasiswa baru. Jadi pas ngajak kenalan gue manggil dia pake nickname facebook yang susah banget dieja itu, sambil mikir ini cewek nick facebooknya lebay bener.

Gue : “Stefa.. asdfghklqwetqkzgh itu ya?”

Dia : “Eh, iya. Kok tau?” Jawab si dia sambil nunjukin gingsulnya.

Gue : “Bayu Wijanarko.” Sambil senyum lalu salaman.

Tapi nggak papa, orang cantik nggak bisa disalahin, sampe akhirnya gue kenal deket sama dia dan dijadiin ojek buat anter jemput dia ke kampus tiap hari. Biadab.

Ya bisa dimaklumin lah ya, kemudahan kemudahan yang disajikan social media bikin kita keenakan dan lupa kalo jaman dulu buat deket sama orang yang disuka, kita harus kenalan secara langsung. Alhasil, sekarang ini banyak diantara kita memulai sebuah relationship yang berawal dari kenal di socmed, dan bahkan udah ngerasa nyaman ngobrol di chat padahal belum pernah ketemu langsung.

Oke, gue nggak menyalahkan cara orang berkomunikasi satu sama lain dalam menjalani hubungan mereka. Cuman gue tanya lagi satu hal; kalian pernah denger textationship nggak? Keadaan dimana kalian ngobrol terus di chat sama orang yang kalian suka tapi dianya nggak pernah mau diajak ketemu. Yah, kalo gue sih nyebutnya textzone. Gue pernah nih ngalamin yang beginian.

Dulu banget jaman awal awal punya ponsel Blackberry, kan lagi keranjingan keranjingannya tuh chatting lewat BBM. Gue pernah deket sama seorang cewek yang tiap pagi siang malem aktif banget chatting sama gue. Sebut aja namanya Naomi ya. (susah amat nyari contoh nama) Gue sama Naomi ini sama sama jomblo. Nah waktu itu, setiap bentuk perhatian gue tunjukan ke Naomi dalam bentuk chat. Kami ngobrol di chat dari awal pagi buka mata, sampe malemnya ketiduran. Yang bikin gue agak lama bertahan di zona textzone adalah; pertama, Naomi ini lucu. Gue bisa nyaman ngobrol ke dia via chat dan ngerasa kayak udah bertahun tahun kenal sama dia sampe nggak pernah ngerasa canggung bahas apapun. Yang kedua, Naomi ini cantik, dari ava-nya. Dia nggak pernah make display picture orang jalan diatas rel kereta dengan quote sedih pas lagi galau, padahal jaman itu display picture galau macam gituan lagi trending di recent update. Iya, yang selalu bikin gue penasaran dan nyaman sama dia adalah Naomi ini ava-nya cantik, apalagi kalo udah pasang display picture sambil senyum dengan rambutnya yang digerai ke samping. Beuh, sabun batang udah gue abisin saat itu juga.

Kami belum pernah ketemu sebelumnya, tapi kami pernah sama sama mengakui kalo kami nyaman satu sama lain dan dia juga nggak pernah ngerasa canggung dan bosen ngobrol sama gue dari jauh. Gue juga pernah sekali - dua kali telfonan sama dia dan walaupun suara gue kayak cewek, ngobrol sama dia lewat telfon juga sama nyamannya.

Cuman, satu hal yang bikin gue down adalah Naomi ini kalo gue ajak ketemu sering banget menghindar. Okay, gue pernah liat Naomi dari jauh dan dia juga sebaliknya, tapi tetep aja kami belum pernah ketemu dan ngobrol langsung secara empat mata. Gue perlahan sadar, lalu bertanya dalam hati; ini si kampret kenapa susah banget diajak ketemu?

Apa karena gue jelek? Nggak juga, walaupun tiap duduk sendiri muka suka dikerubungin laler gini gue nggak ngerasa jelek jelek banget sampe ngajak ketemu seorang cewek ditolak mulu.

Apa karena gue bau badan? Dia belum pernah ketemu gue, mana tau gue bau badan apa enggak. Kecuali dia pernah ketemu gue sekali terus kedepannya make masker kemana mana dan nolak tiap gue ajak ketemu lagi, bisa jadi bau badan adalah alasan. Tapi enggak, bau badan bukan alasan. Dan gue nggak bau badan, orang gue tiap mandi pake detergen.

Gue mencari cari dari segi fisik diri gue sendiri dan nggak nemuin alasan kenapa Naomi ini susah banget diajak ketemu, karena sebelumnya emang gue nggak pernah ada masalah tiap kali ngajak jalan gebetan. Sampe sekarang pun gue udah nggak tau ya, misal gue hubungin dia lagi buat ngajak jalan mungkin harus hubungin lewat pengacaranya dulu.

Deket sama dia tuh bikin gue mikir, gue nggak bisa pura pura nyaman ngejalanin hubungan lewat chat dan telfon doang. Gue nggak bisa nerima perhatian dari sepotong tulisan karena gimanapun juga gue tetep kemana mana sendirian. Sama aja yekan. Memang, mungkin di awal, perhatian dan kenyamanan yang dibentuk lewat media social tuh kadang emang bikin nyaman. Hal itu mungkin yang bikin Naomi mikir “nanti nanti” aja buat ketemu. Padahal kan ya, dalam setiap hubungan pertemuan tuh penting dan harus tetep ada. Dari pertemuan itulah kita bisa tau seberapa nyaman ngobrol di depannya, juga gimana sikap kita berdua saat duduk berdekatan.

Tapi tetep aja, dia susah diajak jalan. Sampe akhirnya gue sadar dan perlahan effort buat tetep deket sama dia lagi memudar. Yang dari awal blackberry gue nggak pernah berhenti muncul notifikasi, perlahan jadi jarang chatting dan lama lama “puff!” Kita nggak pernah ngobrol lagi via chat. Akhirnya gue mutusin move on dari orang yang bahkan belum pernah ketemu empat mata sebelumnya.

Yah, tapi ya nggak papa. Hal yang bisa gue ambil dari hubungan gue sama Naomi adalah sudut pandang tentang nyaman atau enggaknya kita dalam ngejalanin hubungan kayak gini. Cara orang nikmatin ataupun ngasih perhatian kan beda ya, tinggal cara mereka yang paling nyaman gimana. Contohnya kayak nonton bola. Sebagian nyaman nonton bola di TV sendirian karena bisa nikmatin pertandingannya dengan tenang, sebagian lagi lebih nyaman nobar rame rame atau nonton langsung di stadion biar feel nya dapet. Mungkin Naomi ini lebih nyaman nikmatin dan ngasih perhatian ke gue dari jauh, sedangkan gue nggak bisa bertahan lama lama dalam keadaan itu karena gue lebih nyaman ngasih perhatian ke dia secara langsung. Bukan lewat chat dan telefon mulu tanpa mau diajak ketemu. Ya gampangnya gini lah, gimana cowok bisa mastiin kalo si dia baik baik aja tanpa bener bener liat sendiri keadannya gimana?

But it’s okay. Kedekatan gue sama Naomi juga udah dulu banget dan tinggal sepotong cerita doang. Sekarang tinggal kalian aja yang mungkin sedang menjalani hubungan kayak yang gue ceritain diatas. You have to meet, guys. Told ya, you have to meet whatever it takes. Dari pertemuan, kalian bisa liat didepan mata, raut wajah orang yang kalian suka pas sedang ngobrol berdua tuh kayak gimana. Jangan sampe terjebak dalam hubungan yang menjauhkan padahal sebenernya dekat, karena mempunyai pola pikir hanya dengan sepotong chat bisa mendekatkan yang jauh. I mean, okay komunikasi adalah nyawa dalam setiap hubungan. Cuman yang perlu gue lurusin adalah gimana cara kalian memberi perhatian nyata saat menjalaninya. So, you have to meet.

Jadi jangan sampe kayak adek adek SMP yang udah pacaran di socmed ayah-bunda an tapi belom pernah sekalipun ketemu itu ya.

Okay, mungkin segini aja tulisan gue malem ini. Semoga aja tulisan pertama tahun ini awal dari banyak tulisan yang gue posting kedepannya karena 2016 ini gue bener bener menanti banyak hal baru.

Gue Bayu Wijanarko, selamat malam!